Men's Failed Mental Models With Women, Vol. 3: The Relationship Seeker

In Men of Charm, we believe that dating success for a man cannot be achieved unless a man takes care of his mentality first. What you have inside your head can really make or break your dating life with girls. All the tactics in the world will not be enough for you, if you don’t think about women, attraction, and sex the right way. We have already covered two of the most prevalent failed mental models that haunt men’s attitudes with women. We talked about victim mentality and its detrimental effects on your interactions with women. We also wrote about entitlement and how it can be an obstacle in your self-improvement path as a modern man. In today’s post, we are going to talk about a third type of flawed mental model that many men have: relationship seeking.

Why is relationship seeking a bad thing, you might ask. Let’s clarify a few things here. Nobody can tell you what to want to achieve in your dating life. Nobody can tell you what dating success should mean to you. You and only you are the sole responsible for deciding what makes you a happy man and what kind of objectives you want to achieve in your interactions with girls. It’s not our business to tell men what to want. It is our job though to tell you what is more effective. We care about what works. Whether you want to create a harem of women around you or you want to find a girlfriend or meet the mother of your children is perfectly fine. What is not fine, however, is putting things in the wrong order in your effort to achieve what you want. So, wanting to build a relationship with a girl of your choice is not a bad thing. Seeking a relationship from the get-go and being Captain Obvious about it every time you meet a new girl is!

3 Reasons Why Not To Be Relationship-Oriented

1. It Shows Desperation

Few things repel women as much as desperation in a man, and actively seeking a relationship shows exactly that. It indicates that you have no options with women, because if you did why are you in such a rush to close the deal and stick with any one single option you have in front of you? Women desire men who have plenty of options with other women, beautiful women. If those other women are more beautiful than them, even better. They are attracted to men who appear unsure of them. Men who are not in a rush to decide how far in their life they want to let them. Men who focus on creating amazing experiences with them in the present rather than on planning the future too early in their interaction with them. If a girl understands that you seek a relationship with her too early, she will smell that you lack abundance. She will sense that you live in scarcity in your dating life, and that can’t do any good to you. Women are attracted to masculine strength, and showing that you have a happy abundant life full of interests, activities, goals and hobbies is a sign of strength. On the other hand, if you fix your mind to getting a relationship soon after you meet a new woman you show to her that you care too much for a specific result with her. You are not outcome independent and send the wrong signal to her: don’t choose him, he is weak and he seeks a relationship with me probably because no other girl really wants him.

2. It Violates Male-Female Sexual Dynamics

The mating game between men and women is based on attraction. The sparkle of attraction comes first, comfort comes later. When you are relationship-focused, you are putting comfort first and later attraction, which does not work. When you put comfort first you become perfect friend or provider material to her, but certainly not lover material. But putting comfort first is like putting the cart before the horse, it’s like telling her “I am suitable as a friend or provider” to which she might occasionally say yes, but it will not be because she likes you as a man, but because she finds you convenient as a utility in her life. If you are reading this we are guessing you want to be more than a convenient little idiot for women. You want to be their crush. The love of their lives. A passionate love story. An exciting summer fling that she wants to come back to. You create attraction as a man when you are care-free, laid back, humorous and playfully cocky with girls, but if you are busy being the relationship seeker you become a bore who simply has a predictable agenda with her.

3. It Goes Against Male-Female Nature

Mother Nature gave roles to the two sexes, no matter how much our modern-day civilization wants to forget that. Men and women are equal, but they are not the same. Men are supposed to be more freedom-loving, logical people with an inclination to go out and about and make their action felt to the world. They are adventurers, warriors, conquerors, and explorers. Their natural tendency is not to stick to any one single place or any one single situation. Women, on the other hand, are more relationship-oriented, emotional people who seek strong men with whom to stay and procreate. Women are ultimately seeking relationships because only under a stable environment could they raise children and let humanity grow. Women are by nature nurturers, responsible for the continuation of the human race. They ultimately seek stability (until they get bored and seek a new type of stability probably with another man, but that’s another topic). What does this mean for you? It means: don’t steal women’s role in the mating game! It is not your job to make her settle down with you. It is her job to make you settle down with her.

To sum up, when you actively seek a relationship with women, you are actually achieving the exact opposite: women will either not choose you at all or they might occasionally choose you as a useful idiot because you happen to fit their agenda at a specific point in their lives. On top of it, you disturb the natural order of things between men and women, and women will punish you for that. Focus instead on being a sexy, attractive man, and women will reward you for it. They are going to show you that they want to keep you. So, get back to your inner masculine core and let them come to you.